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Why...? I kept wondering why. What was the purpose of all this pain and humiliation? All these upset plans of mine? What? To make me better person? Wasn't I humble enough? Didn't I depend on God enough? Did I think too much of my work, my looks, my skills, my life? To make me stronger? Cripes, I've never been weaker in all my life in every sense of the word. Was I so terrible at my career that God would rather I be locked in my bedroom unable to share His Word? Would I be such a horrible mother that God put this here to keep me from having a family? What was God trying to tell me???
I, I, I, I, me, me, me... It's funny how self-centered being trapped in your own body makes you. I admit it. It's hard to look past your own nose when you can't get out of your own bed. Well, I got out of my own bed, and it turns out my pain wasn't about me at all. It's about Christ. And it's about you.
"For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested on our mortal flesh. So that death is at work in us, but life in you." (2 Corinthians 4:11-12)
If you really want someone to believe something, if their life truly depends on it, you don't stand on a soapbox and lecture. You get on your knees and you beg. The true rhetorical stance is on your knees, a wise man once told me and WOW, has the Lord ever brought me to mine. (Thank you, Charles, I shudder to think of living this life without that knowledge).
Consequently, when my Mayo Clinic Pain Rehab Bestie suggested that I start a blog, I couldn't say no. Although I am as hesitant as anyone to share my struggling for fear of some reprisal, I couldn't shake the reality that if by reading about death in me, life starts to work in you even a little, well... maybe that's a part of God's why to my pain. Selfishly enough, in you, my suffering has meaning. As far as fear of reprisal goes, my struggle--like my suffering--has very little to do with me.
"I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak." (Ephesians 6:20)
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| The Author |
And so, to those of you struggling with chronic pain, physical or emotional, injury or grief, sickness or sadness, whether your back hurts or your heart, I find solace in pointing you to Christ in hopes that you, too, will find some solace there. "And hope does not put us to shame," (from Romans 5:5).
Click here for my first post: "Heal ME." and come back to When Suffering Doesn't Stop: Life With Chronic Pain on your difficult days to visit posts that include Scripture, art, music, and humor, and are dedicated to making the unbearable portions of life bearable through meaning in Christ. Due to a drastic and stubborn decrease in my health in August 2014, I regret to report that I will not be posting anything new until (hopefully) Advent. The following is a rough outline of my posts by topic. Click on the topic that interests you to see articles, videos and devotionals on that subject. Thank you for your patience and prayers.
SUFFERiNG & PAiN * Healing or Lack Thereof * ANXiETy * Forgiveness * patience * FAiTH * Love * HATE * Death & Grief * Abandonment * PRAyER * Insomnia & Relaxation * music & art * DIFFICULT DAY BOX * YouTube
I only read your opening page and then shared it with my facebook friends. I have a dear friend, 36, that is suffering and my brother, 61, who will, too soon, lose his battle with cancer. Thank you for sharing and may God bless you richly.
ReplyDeleteToo young. Just plain too young. I'm sorry for the trouble of your loved ones. My prayers and thoughts are with you. You might also enjoy "Grasping at Hems" at http://life-incessant.blogspot.com/2012/11/grasping-at-hems.html, and the song "Blessings" at http://life-incessant.blogspot.com/2012/06/enigma-of-job.html
DeleteI love you, Dear!
ReplyDeleteAwww... right back at ya :)
DeleteMegan,
ReplyDeleteI typed out a long expansive comment for you but when it had me sign in it appears it was all lost. I as well as other friends through the years cured our IBS/Colitis/Ulcerative Colitis by taking the essential amino acid "L-Glutamine" first thing in the morning and last at night on an empty stomach as stomach acids destroy amino acids. At least 30 minutes in water before eating and at least 3 hours after eating. Within a week symptoms should subside. Within two weeks I went to just mornings or evenings, whichever was more suitable. After a month went to every other day and then just once or twice a week. It comes in powder form in containers about 12 ounces each. I used one tsp mixed in water. You can buy it from your local health food store or online. I have not known it to be unsuccessful for anyone I have recommended it to as L-Glutamine is essential for the health of your digestive tract lining. I am a Christian and thank God for finding this information years ago. After 20 unbearable years suffering with IBS/Colitis/Ulcerative colitis, I am no longer bothered. God Bless you, Gary S.
I go through cycles of wanting to try everything and not wanting to try anything, you know? I am currently in a "try anything to be a better mom" mood, and this sounds so easy, I will actually give it a try. Of course, we all know that this disease is so finicky and personalized, what is good for the goose isn't necessarily good for the gander, it sounds like it's worth a shot for my overall health if not for a complete cure. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I pray your good health continues in infinitum :)
DeleteLet me know how it works out for you Megan. Even thought you are right that we are all different and respond to different protocols and approaches, this is the universal remedy for everyone with digestive tract disorders as L-Glutamine supports the health and healing of the lining that is broken down in some way with these disorders. My distant cousin suffered terrible bouts every morning and had great difficulty traveling or making even the closest of future plans. I gave him a container of mine with about two weeks of powder left in it to get started while he looked for it himself and he called me in three days to proclaim that he had had his first normal morning in decades! Now I can't promise results that quick but it isn't a far stretch to see healing within a week or two. I learned about this from an old Chinese doctor that had practiced in Europe. He said that the United Kingdom citizens had rampant digestive disorders many decades ago until the gov't added L-Glutamine to it's list of medicines both natural and synthetic approved for their socialized medicine usage. Since that he said that most of those issues disappeared.
ReplyDeleteYou can contact me by e-mail to let me know how you are doing at: weldon@earthlink.net
Blessings in Christ, Gary
I am a Pentecostal, and i met a 39 yr old in 2013, and she had a broken toe (was on crutches), had bipolar disorder, jetlag all the time, anemia, tooth problems, etc, she didn't tell me all. She is a catholic theologian, and i loved her, somehow i was able to talk to her about healing, and ministered to her through the scriptures, prayers and from my spirit, and she really got healed to a stage, she no longer uses crutches, and mentally becoming okay, and then when we met again in 2015, after a while of separation, she felt i could marry her, but i was not led to, and she got bitter because i said NO to marriage, that we can't be friends, i am 12 yrs younger, and after much prayers, i was still not led to say Yes, she got so angry that she called me a liar, full of deception and wanted to take advantage for her, and it hurts me anytime i think about this, what have i done wrong? what am i suppose to do? though she said i should never contact her again, i feel very bad about this, is there anything i can do?
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your pain, and I'm not a relationship counselor, but I'd be wary of any "healing" that takes place on a stage. God can work in any and all ways and answer our prayers in all circumstances, but He doesn't seem the type to perform tricks on cue. I'm left to wonder who was doing the deceiving. Still, it seems your friend has been misled, for whatever the reason, into believing your relationship with her was romantic. If you have not done anything to give her the impression that you wanted to be more than friends, then the idea is in her own heart and perhaps she isn't mentally healed, or perhaps she is just wishful. In any case, I think the kindest thing to do is to keep praying for her: you are not the one for her, and that's okay because God has a plan for her and for you. Marriage is a gift from God for some, but none of us will be married at the Resurrection (Matt. 22:30). If she wants no more contact, then it is best to honor her request and avoid any further confusion on her part and give her the freedom to move on and explore other possibilities in her life.
DeleteYou can't be responsible for her happiness or unhappiness. Trust God in this case, not your own words or actions. Ask Him to open her heart, to stomp out any bitterness she has towards you and others, and to bring her every kind of happiness as He sees fit. Trust God to also heal you from your feelings of responsibility and ask Him to help you move on as well and bring you peace of mind. If you have sinned against her, you are sorry and Christ has died for that. Leave Him to make repairs where necessary. (Philippians 4:4-9).
You're such a sweetheart Megan, thank you so much, i think i made some terrible impressions too, am not perfect, and i have asked for mercy, how it feels so good to pour out my heart to someone who understands, you can't imagine the relief, but with your counsel now, i can move on now, and still continue in my prayers... thank you
ReplyDeleteBe still my soul
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting in our wonderful loving God, who is all powerful, all present and all knowing...
ReplyDeleteIs there a copyright on the "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen - Traditional Choir" recording? I would love to make a remix on it and put it on a cd which will be sold digitally :-)
ReplyDeleteMy wife, Tuula, and I retired to her native country Finland in 2012. She died 28 Feb. 2015 from Amyloidosis, a rare and fatal disease. At her funeral in Finland the hymn Finlandia was played and at a subsequent memorial service in the U.S. the hymn Be Still My Soul was part of the service. I remain in Finland where this hymn, the land, and the memory of my wife keep me grounded.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your wife and for her suffering. A beautiful circle was made complete with Tuula's passing: your home and God shared Sibelius' breathtaking piece of music while the world said goodbye to her and heaven said hello. That's pretty amazing.
DeleteMeagan, hi. I hope this finds you well in 2017. I find so much of my own journey reflected in your story. I’ve had a rare, debilitating chronic illness for many years and ultimately had to stop pastoring. I’ve learned that instead of asking Why me?it should be really Why not me? We all have seasons of suffering in our lives… The real question is will this make me better or better? By the grace of God may the latter be a response. This past year I also came down with cancer (Lymphoma) and have been doing Art Therapy as a way to process difficult emotions and also to tap into the freedom of creativity and personal expression as a way to leave something tangible for my wife and family, a legacy of sorts. I too have blogged reflections of my journey - written poems and songs and now painted in the hopes of ministering to those who also suffer. Thank you for putting all the effort you have into this collection. I discovered your site through the wonderful YouTube hymn Be Still My Soul and I look forward to delving more deeply. God bless. Love mixed with faith be yours.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.facebook.com/KentonKutney/videos/1436000169849206/
Yourresponses are gracefilled, I am no longer in pain but suffered for decades with dental pain and teeth breaking off after root canals, the dentists would not take out my teeth as my mother's were in her 30s in 3 close stages, the dentists said by the time I was 50 would not be able to wear dentures but my mother was crunching on hard tacos in her 80s while I was still in pain from the few teeth left, I also had agonizing Sphenoidal Sinusitus where I could not lie down and spent most of my working years in agony with some blessed times of respite when I could get pennecillin, also my face and health are wrecked, I am not in pain and thank God for this.
ReplyDeleteYour ministry of understanding comments is wonderful, I pray you are doing well, Megan.
Thank you for reaching out to me, even after I've left my blog dormant for so long. I am sorry to hear of all your suffering. I, too, know the sting of doctors' bad decisions, all too well truth be told. I hope you have been able to come to peace with those mistakes. I do wish we could see what good will come from them, as God promises. Blessings and peace in the new year.
DeleteMegan Smith, your grief from pain is true and no one can deny what anger, anxiety, hurt, sometimes-intense loneliness, loss of career opportunities and social outings, it brings across. Oh if I could have read your post when you wrote it you would have been the only one to comfort me from my fifteen years drenching colitis and subsequent panic attacks, vomiting, throbbing, firing from my work; tears, chills- just name it. Christ was my advocate, so was my beloved 63 years friend, mom and my present wife. The rest scoffed me and called me depressing and paranoiac, till this day. Today, I was at mass and asked God to forgive me because I could not forgive them for their indifference. But you made my day. I felt lonely and imprisoned although, all through my life, I was such an old-fashioned simple lover of my friends and siblings. I was a church guy and an earnest sheep of Christ but was left out with patronizing and condescending looks, until I discovered what was wrong. Thanks to my beloved wife and following a retreat in the Monastery of Saint Benedict in Quebec, Canada) I discovered I was swamped with a Bacteria called H. Pylori that penetrated my stomach and created 7 lesions and worm nests. This was due to an infected salad I had eaten in 1996. It took me three months to cure it and two years to heal. Now, I am 67, much more of a sheep of Christ's and volunteer for senior people, seeking to give back. Pain is one thing; indifference is just as hurtful. I hope I can connect with you by email. Find me on Facebook. I hope you feel better. Did you consider running a comprehensive bacteria + parasites test? God bless you. Listen to my music on YouTube: search for Rafik Baladi
ReplyDeleteHave you looked in to the possibility of a bowel infection as a trigger for colitis - specifically Blastocystis hominis and Dientamoeba fragilis. Both common parasites, vastly underdiagnosed due to poor diagnostics. Both have been medically documented as a trigger for colitis. Both are curable with the right meds - 3 or 4 drugs in combination. Both largely resistant to Flagyl. More info. here: badbugs.org or http://centrefordigestivediseases.com/parasites/ Neither site is selling anything. Educational only. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThank you, and indeed we have been down that road at the Mayo Clinic a number of years ago. Sadly, no infection was present until I contracted c-diff a year ago, which finally resulted in the loss of my colon. I am still struggling. I always find some way to beat the odds in the worst way, but all in all, I am better off than I was a year ago. Thank you for reaching out to me and offering that advice all the same. Blessings and peace in the new year!
DeleteEaster Blessings to you. I pray that the RISEN CHRIST protect you from further harm, keep you strong in SPIRIT and support you all the days of your LIFE in ways HE makes known to you.
DeleteI highly recommend this, which is scriptural comfort for those who have been told that they "don't have enough faith" if God has not healed them. God bless Justin Peters for bringing this message, like you do, to those of us who are still struggling with seeing how God's "grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
ReplyDeletehttps://youtu.be/YJ9L_J-aMPA
I am so blessed reading your blog,the genuine love that comes from Christ is flowing through these messages of hope. I too am bed bound, with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, immune disorders, etc. I know the pain, isolation, hope that is pretty much gone for healing. I thought it would be temporary, an opportunity to read the Bible and get close to God then pour Christ's love into others. No, four years later, I can't go to church or barely get out of bed. How can I serve him? Your blog is pretty much my life. I am looking forward to reading it all. If anyone out there would pray or have any advice for me I would be so very grateful. In Christ, Catherine
ReplyDeleteMindfulness is a skill learned by establishing your potential to pay attention to
ReplyDeletewhat's going on within and around you in the present moment.
It's an effective approach to train the mind to
notice things without judgment, but with acceptance.
Hi Megan, I am an ex front line EMS Paramedic, part of the NHS (free health care including EMS) here in the UK. I was Ill health retired 13 years ago from a job I loved but it was responsible for my present condition. I prolapsed all % lumbar discs from the heavy lifts in work, some patients were 20 stone plus and UK ambulances are on a 2 man crew, although we could call for back up, it was not always available and when you have a cardiac arrest in a home with the spouse and children crying and great grief, the pressure to lift and move the patient was so great we did our job and moved them, because that was my job and to continue with resuscitation no matter. Do I regret it? No I have delivered 9 babies into this world and held the hand of a frightened elderly lady who was alone and very frightened. She knew she was dying but she did not pass alone as I held her hand and gave comfort by merely being there (apart from clinical care) I have been there as life begins in this world, babies innocent of the horrors that is so prevalent in our world, And I have been present as life ends here...but I believe passionately that Jesus and god were with me and more importantly was with them too. I now suffer severe chronic back pain, I am on extremely high doses of opiates and pregablin, duloxetine and amitriptyline. I have recently )last week) been discharged from university hospital heath, here in South Wales after having a replacement intrathecal pain pump surgically implanted. It has a catheter (all inside me) that enters at L4 into my spine and is constantly delivering Baclfen (300mcgs a day) direclt into my spine. I have had bopth hips replaced last year too, My mmobility is very limted and I am in constant pain that varies in intensity but was so bad I could no longer tolerate it and was suicidal. My GP was very understanding and i was admitted and then eventually the pain team in conjunction with my neuro surgeon decided to implant the pump. I get it topped up with the drug every 8 to 10 weeks. Sometimes when alone and pain is bad I listen to music and read the bible and As it is Xmas I looked for a favourite of mine, 'O Come, O Come Emmanuel, I found the traditional version that you have put on your YT channel. It is a hauntingly beautiful song with inspiring lyrics that not only affirm my belief in christ. Thank you so much and God bless you.
ReplyDeleteSimply want to say your article is as amazing.
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I couldn't resist commenting. Exceptionally well written!
ReplyDeletehello Megan...I just came across your blog and I just wanted to say that I admire you and that you touched my heart ... may you find peace and joy ...God Bless you, my sister in Christ
ReplyDelete