Why...? I kept wondering why. What was the purpose of all this pain and humiliation? All these upset plans of mine? What? To make me better person? Wasn't I humble enough? Didn't I depend on God enough? Did I think too much of my work, my looks, my skills, my life? To make me stronger? Cripes, I've never been weaker in all my life in every sense of the word. Was I so terrible at my career that God would rather I be locked in my bedroom unable to share His Word? Would I be such a horrible mother that God put this here to keep me from having a family? What was God trying to tell me???
I, I, I, I, me, me, me... It's funny how self-centered being trapped in your own body makes you. I admit it. It's hard to look past your own nose when you can't get out of your own bed. Well, I got out of my own bed, and it turns out my pain wasn't about me at all. It's about Christ. And it's about you.
"For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested on our mortal flesh. So that death is at work in us, but life in you." (2 Corinthians 4:11-12)
If you really want someone to believe something, if their life truly depends on it, you don't stand on a soapbox and lecture. You get on your knees and you beg. The true rhetorical stance is on your knees, a wise man once told me and WOW, has the Lord ever brought me to mine. (Thank you, Charles, I shudder to think of living this life without that knowledge).
Consequently, when my Mayo Clinic Pain Rehab Bestie suggested that I start a blog, I couldn't say no. Although I am as hesitant as anyone to share my struggling for fear of some reprisal, I couldn't shake the reality that if by reading about death in me, life starts to work in you even a little, well... maybe that's a part of God's why to my pain. Selfishly enough, in you, my suffering has meaning. As far as fear of reprisal goes, my struggle--like my suffering--has very little to do with me. This is a public post about very private things in my life. Everything worth doing comes with a risk, but I hope that very few people would be malicious enough to use it as a tool of judgement against me. If they do, let's hope the good out ways the bad, and pray that their repentance isn't far behind.
"I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak." (Ephesians 6:20)
And so, to those of you struggling with chronic pain, physical or emotional, injury or grief, sickness or sadness, whether your back hurts or your heart, I find solace in pointing you to Christ in hopes that you, too, will find some solace there. "And hope does not put us to shame," (from Romans 5:5).
Click here for my first post: "Heal ME." and come back to When Suffering Doesn't Stop: Life With Chronic Pain on your difficult days to visit posts that include Scripture, art, music, and humor, and are dedicated to making the unbearable portions of life bearable through meaning in Christ. I more or less closed this blog on December 22nd, 2014 in order to begin a new project, Mother's With Chronic Illness (MWCI), but I'd like to keep this blog up for a while and post on it every now and again. I enjoyed writing for this blog so very much, and I have no doubt that it helped me at least as much as it (hopefully) helped some of you. The following is a rough outline of my posts by topic. Click on the topic that interests you to see articles, videos and devotionals on that subject. Thank you for your patience and prayers.
SUFFERiNG & PAiN * Healing or Lack Thereof * ANXiETy * Forgiveness * patience * FAiTH * Love * HATE * Death & Grief * Abandonment * PRAyER * Insomnia & Relaxation * music & art * DIFFICULT DAY BOX * YouTube *
Featured Post for April: "Jars of Clay"
Published: August 17th, 2012
“...Say what I will, no matter what good comes from my pain, no matter how I understand God to be working in it, no matter what I believe of God and heaven, what I know with my mind and trust with all my heart, some days the pain and the illness are just too much. On these days, the only thing that brings me any kind of comfort at all is the fact that Jesus chose to endure pain―not just pain *like* mine, but MY PAIN...” [continue reading]