Sunday, September 9, 2012

Insomnia In Pace

Of all the things that come with chronic pain—be it the pain itself, the inability to work, the seclusion—sleeplessness to me is the worst. All those other things seem so much worse at 3AM when I'm wide awake and the rest of the world isn't. Insomnia is so cruel. I lie down after a day filled with pain, and I think, now finally some peace... and it doesn't come. What does come is more pain. Worse pain. Lonely pain. And thoughts. Oh, the wretched, wretched thoughts. This is the time that my thoughts run away with me. They consume me past the point of distraction and into the point of near agony: How will I pay off that student loan that was such a waste now that I can't work? Will I ever give my husband a child? Will my Dad get sicker? Will my brother be all right? Do my friends even remember me? What friends? What if I get worse? What if I can't sleep tomorrow? blah blah blah blah.... 

Yeah, I know worrying and self-centered rumination doesn't actually do any good, but I can't turn it off, so kindly quit telling me to do the impossible and focus on something constructive: How do I find peace in these, literally the darkest of moments?? I don't. It's given to me.
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27)
Peace, He leaves with us. And peace leaves us, too. But His peacethe peace He GIVES to usremains even when our worldly peace cowers in the face of chaos and unrest. The peace He earned for us, the peace that was bought with such a heavy price, will not falter. Stop looking for peace. You'll never ever find it. Peace, like sleep, isn't something to be "caught." It's a gift, so start receiving it. You'll never ever lose it.

In this particular frame of stained glass, Jesus too seems lost in His own sad thoughts while the world goes on around Him. But still, He was at peace. Peace in spite of the knowledge that He must suffer horribly and die like a criminal at the hands of those He loves more than His own life... because He knew what He was doing was right.

Peace in spite of the knowledge that I must always hurt... true peace because I know what He did. I worry about a lot of things at 3AM, it's true, but I don't worry about my salvation. And what else matters, in big sleepless scheme of things? Even if all my worst "what ifs" come true at once, I am at peace. 

Here's Stile Antico performing the medieval chant by William Byrd, "Miserere Mihi, Domine; Miserere Nostri, Domine," "Have Mercy on Me, O LORD; Have Mercy on Us."

Suggested verse to repeat if it's a sleepless night:
PRC buddies, remember to breathe!
"Have mercy on me, -------> 5 count inhale
O LORD." -------> 5 count exhale

No comments:

Post a Comment